worst. customer. ever.

"I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING."

After a few blocks worth of silence, the blonde cougar in the high heels and black cocktail dress sitting in the backseat finally spoke up. Her surgically-altered nose, however, remained buried in her iPhone.

"Excuse me?" I said glancing in the rearview mirror.

"I know you could've turned 2 blocks ago, but...whatever."

I laughed.

"You think I'm going the long way to make a few extra bucks?"

"I know how you guys are," Cougar Woman sniped. "Y'know what, never mind. Whatever. Just get me to the W."

"You guys?" I shot back. It's not often us white males can truly understand how it feels to be under the boot of discrimination and profiling. But when Cougar Woman lumped me in with all the shady cabbies out to take advantage of the tourists and the drunks, my blood began to boil.

I wanted to tell her, "Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge, lest someone glance your way and judge you as an aging, bitter shrew who can't face the horror of not being the prettiest, youngest girl in the room anymore."

Instead, I tried to kill her with kindness and reason, if not a touch of disgust.

"Listen, ma'am, don't include me in whatever negative view you have of cab drivers. My integrity's worth more than a couple bucks, trust me."

I scoffed and continued heading down Red River.

"So why didn't you turn back there? Why are we going this way?"

I glanced in the mirror again and thought to myself, "Are you for real, lady?"

"Because," I tried to answer as calmly as possible, "this is the fastest way to get to the W from where I picked you up. Trust me."

"Y'know what, whatever. Don't talk to me. Just get me to the hotel."

I was not gonna let her get out of the cab without hearing my reasons for taking this route. Even if she didn't want to hear it.

"Oh, no, I'm gonna talk to you," I said, half laughing to keep my blood pressure down. "You're gonna hear the truth about the situation. I went this way because about 30 seconds before I picked you up on 5th Street I had just discovered that 4th Street heading west was closed. I ended up getting diverted back up to 5th, which is when I saw you. That's why going down Red River to Cesar Chavez was the best possible way to get to the W."

Cougar Woman finally looked up from her iPhone.

"Why are you arguing with me?" she whined, her voice reeking of contempt. "Just drive. I don't want to talk to you."

"You don't need to talk to me," I answered, not quite ready to give her the satisfaction of silence. "All you have to do is listen. I want you to understand that I was not trying to rip you off. I went the best way possible."

"Really?" Cougar Woman snarked. "How come I just took a cab to where you picked me up and it didn't take nearly as long?"

"Because 4th Street is closed!" I reminded her. "And you were coming from a different direction, down different one-way streets."

"I've lived down here for 12 years," Cougar Woman said looking up from texting. "I know my way around downtown."

"Yeah? Do you drive downtown?"

"No," she said, "I use taxi drivers who know what they're doing."

I shook my head and laughed. My body was consumed with the oddest mix of anger, amusement and pity. In the rearview mirror I noticed Cougar Woman had returned to her precious texting, oblivious to reason and truth.

"Can you please stop talking until we get to the W? I'm done with you."

In the front seat I was sporting a mile-wide smile. This woman's rudeness and vitriol was stunning. I had to let her know.

"Y'know, I've been driving this cab since late May and I've had probably close to 1000 customers...999 of whom have been friendly, generous, kind..."

In the backseat, Cougar Woman was doing her best to act like I didn't exist. Still, I trudged on.

"But you..."

I searched for just the right way to put it.

"...you have been, without a doubt, the nastiest customer I've ever had. In fact, you've been the ONLY nasty customer I've had in all my months of driving."

A charged silence hung in the air. Cougar Woman wasn't going to give me the satisfaction of a response. Meanwhile, the soundtrack to the moment was provided by Cage the Elephant, playing a song that seemed oddly fitting.

There ain't no rest for the wicked
Money don't grow on trees...

"Can we just stop interacting with each other until I have to pay? I'm done dealing with you."

...I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed
Ain't nothin' in this world for free

I had to get the last word in.

"As long as you realize I wasn't trying to rip you off for an extra dollar or 2 by going a few blocks out of the way."

Cougar Woman exhaled a puff of condescension. And despite my better judgment, I let it get to me. Now it was my turn to snort with derision.

"Are you a happy person?" I asked, turning to face her as we pulled into the W.

"Just take my credit card and stop talking to me," she said reaching into her purse. The woman who had looked so attractive when I first spotted her standing on 5th Street near Trinity had slowly morphed into the homeliest woman in Austin.

I swiped her credit card through my handy machine, handed Cougar Woman back her card and accidentally keyed in "$40.00" when I meant to type in "$4.00." I turned somberly to My Nastiest Customer Yet.

"I need to run your card again. I screwed up."

For the first time all night, Cougar Woman perked up. "Of course you did," she laughed while handing me her AmEx card.

When the screen option asked if she wanted to leave a tip, I didn't bother to ask. But I did get a quick glimpse of her name before I handed Cougar Woman her receipt.

"Happy holidays, Shari!" I shouted as she awkwardly walked off into the night, her bowlegs moving gracelessly towards the stylish W entrance, nearly tripping on a crack in the pavement.

The next day I spent the morning with another customer. Only this one didn't accuse me of trying to rip him off.

Zac just wanted to go disc golfing in Austin. (That's the 13th hole tee-box in today's pic.)

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We're driving to California today for Christmas, so this will probably be our last blog posting for the year. But we'll be checking in on our new Tumblr blog, since we can update that one from our phone. (Loving that app!)

So if you're curious, check us out here: http://austintaxidriverconfessions.tumblr.com/

Happy holidays, y'all!

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backseat bliss

THE RIGHT SONG — WITH JUST THE RIGHT BUZZ AND THE RIGHT collection of friends — has the power to inspire all kinds of things. Angst. Gusto. Big laughs. And 300% tips.

I picked up the 4 guys in this video somewhere over on the "Dirty 6th" stretch of 6th Street one night. It was a month ago, maybe 2. On a Friday night, possibly a Saturday. They may have been visiting an old college friend from Chicago. Or was it Houston?

Maybe one of them will see this thing and clear everything up for me.

What I do recall with utter clarity is dropping the 4 of them off right in front of Kung Fu, a newish hip bar just off West 6th St., as a classic Keith Richards "Sympathy For the Devil" guitar riff announces their arrival.

They seemed pretty happy.

The fare was $6.00 and change. As the happy drunks spilled out of my cab, the guy in the front seat handed me a $16 wad of cash. Another guy drunkenly threw in a $5 bill as I watched the big guy who had just channeled his inner Mick Jagger telling his laughing buddy — "Best fucking cab ride ever!"

Here's a tiny slice of it. You be the judge.

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a new mix

ENOUGH WITH THE NEIL DIAMOND ALREADY!

If you've gone to this site more than once in the last month — and really, why wouldn't you be checking in at least once-a-day? — you're no doubt as tired of "Sweet Caroline" as I am.

Fear not, friends. After an inexcusable 6-week layoff, we've just posted a brand new Bobcab batch of tunes (thanks Playlist.com), a mix inspired by a status update I posted on my Facebook page last month. I posed the question:

What's your go-to karaoke song?

Over the course of a few weeks I got about 2 dozen responses. The new mix you're now hearing (Facebook Karaoke Kab Mix) features my favorite 13 songs offered up by my various FB friends. Songs I could see myself singing at a dimly lit karaoke bar one night in Tokyo if my buzz was sufficient and the company was right. Or maybe it'll happen at a crowded dive in Austin.

Until then....

Over the next several days I'll be posting karaoke kab snippets I shot with my Flip video camera. Featuring a Greek chorus of happy Austin drunks singing various tunes from the Bobcab archives of CD mixes.

Adios, Neil Diamond!

Welcome back, Janis.

And don't forget to spread a little Joy to the World.

More taxi time comin' real soon...

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Today's photo was taken of a house a few blocks from our place in Hyde Park. It's a perfect example of yet another thing I love about Austin: the gardens. And I've seen plenty of them driving my cab around this fine city.

People here take pride in their yards and they're not afraid to do all sorts of unusual, colorful things with their homes.

I'm hoping one day our funky house and work-in-progress yard will be the kind of place a stranger like me might stop to take a picture of.

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P.S. To those of you who've unsuccessfully tried to leave comments, don't give up yet. We're working on figuring out why the hell that keeps happening.

And to those of you who haven't bothered — what are you waiting for?!

What's YOUR go-to karaoke song?

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